Remembering Dad

Actually, it has close to 2 months since I came back from Malaysia, praying to dad, on the 1st Anniversary of his passing away and I have not really found the time to write anything. First busy, very much indeed, secondly I have not found the mood the write my feeling here.

Things for sure has improved better, I mean emotionally in handling all these, but you know, deep inside my heart, the missing part, I would say, you would never recover fully. Seeing his empty room, I do not cry anymore, meaning to say I accepted the fact he has left this world already.
But during the free time I have, wherever I am, when I recall him, the tear drops will never fail to 'roll out like little diamonds, little beads', so smooth, so warm, with so much feelings.
Nowadays, the pictures of him appearing suddenly in certain scenes, in our old houses, in the orchard, having meals, in many many more places will just come into my mind automatically.
Having said that all, and having done what I could have done as a son, as a child, and together with my sister, I think we at least feel good, that he is safe somewhere, with Buddha's blessing and with his good Karma to protect him. One thing good about after the first anniversary was that, sister had a dream that dad told him in the dream that he is feeling good, and I hope he is and trust so.
Sometimes, the feeling of being orphan for both sis and myself is not easy, like going home for new year, or in fact any celebration at all, the mood is very different already, totally.
Esp. on my part, having stayed with him for more than 16 years after graduation, I missed the part of 'arguing some issues, esp. on politics, on buying food, or fruits for prayers, esp. during festive seasons, or smelling the burning incense every nite (dad was praying a lot and very good at that, and I almost collapse during CNY, with some many things to take care, so many deities to pray on...i know how dad felt, haha). In short, I miss my dad, and having the thought that you will never see him for the rest of your life and never have a person to call dad for the rest of your life is miserable, esp. for the age I am in, still I think considered very young. ANd I can emphasized with orphans that I met around.........I know how they felt. Ad I think my sister felt the same too, though we sometimes try to comfort ourselves that after all, we are not that close' to dad and we are also very independent. The value of that so called little family members that I have had, and having only a single parent for almost part of my childhood, it is always hurting. Haha, now recalling all these, it makes me believe and trust Buddha and his teaching more and more. Life is basically a suffering, and the whole process is also suffering. But we can only face it, strongly. And we can only try our best to minimise this suffering.

And that dad, where ever you are now, we will always pray for you and hope somehow, somewhere, in my after life, we will meet up again (whenever I stare at the clear nite sky with many stars lining up, I always wonder whether dad, whether granny, whether ah mak, whether all other relatives are they..........and would I meet them someday, esp. granny, and dad. I miss them..........a lot.

Enough for now, part of the story and legacy I will leave behind, for someone to read, when I am not in this world anymore, haha. Anyway, life is short, we never know.
And I also take this opportunity to wish for fast recovery for my small uncle. Amitabha.


Sincerely,
Soon Heng
Beijing