Me, MySelf

At this stage of time, some friends said I am not what I used to be. Devil said, I do not seem to be happy and thinking too many things at the same time.
Well talking about this thinking topic, I am indeed, cause the job needs me to think, to remember, to recall, to remind, to act, to follow-up and many more things, the list go on. Imagine that you have to take care of a huge family members, and each with different needs. Hence, this, I have to accept it is very taxing for me. Today, a senior board member asked or mentioned to me, that my after my working contract expires, would I be extending further, of course it was suggested that I should. That us another point to talk later.
The point I am trying to explore is about me being not happy? I am wondering, perhaps, yes, perhaps no. Actually, it is hard to answer at this point in time.
I am not sure how to answer that. I am, a bit lost actually with my life.
When my dad passed away, until now, though I accepted that this is part of life, I have not been back to my normal self actually, and that is my frank analysis of myself.
Sometime, I do not know what purpose of doing what I am doing
sometime, I am have been asking, is that what life is all about?
I remember the first week when I came back to Beijing, I sms another old friend of mine, telling him I might want to quit and leave this place to do some other thing more meaningful.....He asked me to just explore this a bit more.
I mean I use to be quite clear about my career, of what I want in life, and now, I am lost a bit with my life.

I think it has to do with my dad, in a way. I work very hard to prove myself that I am capable, and I know my dad knew about it, acknowledge that, and proud of me, and have been mentioning this to a number of his friends. Perhaps when he passed away, this part of your life, might be also 'dead' for a while. Perhaps.
And I am at the stage of recalling old memories, esp. with my dad.
When you stayed with him for so many years, that bond built is there
When you saw him disappearing from your life out of sudden, you seem to lose a 'companion' of your life, of someone close, of someone you know is closely related to you.
And I am recalling this memory of him every where, when I am alone and when something reminds me of him or the memory of him. You just shed tears when this take place and it is not an easy thing, though life does go on.
I will get back to myself for sure, but the priority of my life could change of the purpose of being alive might set a totally different meaning for me, I do not know. I am searching.
And today is already 49th days, and 100 days I will be back. I wanted so much to be at home now, to be back to the place where I spent most of the time with dad, to just recall some memories, to grief one more time, so that I can let go more, and more and forever.


Me, myself, in Beijing